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Friday, October 30th, 2009

Subject:im a handful
Time:1:45 am.
Alright so tuesday was my bday. naturally was horrible and I cried a lot.
But, I'm doing more around here. I'm trying to build my muscles. Pretty ok.
I think I'm done getting worse, but the climb back up is hard. NEVER as hard as it was. It's weird bc last year I was walking (barely) but I was worse off than b/c it was growing..now it's dying. Wont die nice tho..why would it?
This is my life this moment.Where's it taking me? Hopefully alive.
For halloween..supergirl, duh. I'm def one.
make me feel loved

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Subject:trying
Time:11:46 pm.
figured i might start writing again. ?
today was a blah day. More than usu. Didnt shower and now I feel semi greasy. Was mentally in an ugly place. I really lost myself. Still.
I watched "under our skin" and it was very..ok. I know everything, but I dont know how other people cope. They do the same as me. Struggle to survive everyday. A girl said she coped by thinking of what she can do rather than what she cant. Ive always been thankful for the things I didnt lose, but its hard.
I really just want a life. I want to smile. I want to walk/dance/skip/run. I dont want to hide anymore.
list goes on, but blah heard it all before.

I miss feeling worth something.

Im mad that uncle frankie died. Not bc of normal reasons youd think. Im mad b/c I cant bear to go to his memoral thing. Ill be in such pain, but mental worse. I cant see any1. Didnt he know that he couldnt die for my sanity? Crazy, selfish, wrong of me. yes I know. damn.
I will miss him. RIP
1 lover| make me feel loved

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

Subject:never say never
Time:6:24 pm.
ohhhh.
its been 8 months since i last wrote.
its been a horrid experience. I've been pretty much bedridden the entire time. Lots of tears and ignorant people. I've def had to change..no choice.
Umm I think the worst part is behind me. Still cant walk or use my right hand, but I'm getting there. I stopped herxing (lyme dieoff) so that means lots have died. I'm not sure why I havent given up..i guess thats stupid.
I think I gave mike lyme disease tho. He seems to be starting to have weird stuff like me. I mean I always wanted someone who was as sick as me so I wouldnt be so alone...but that'll never happen. I guess we'll just have to deal with it. We'll see..
peace
make me feel loved

Saturday, January 24th, 2009

Subject:you can breathe now.
Time:6:59 pm.
Well, it's been 5 months since I wrote. During that time I got really worse and had to quit estee. I almost gave up hope, but did not. I went to chiros for my neck cracking and the latest one told me to get tested for lyme disease. I did and found out it was positive on every test on dec 20th. Of course I cried forever. Not MS, but something curable? I knew it, why didn't anyone listen? It's been the worse 2 years ever. So antiboics for me although they stink. Must cure myself with crazy supplements, duh. It's the hardest lesson learning that no one can really help you, but you. Parents can just watch as their daughter is falling apart. Siblings and friends pretend you're normal. I never knew I was this strong. I wouldn't just accept MS and look what it's got me. Better.

Tired of it controlling every part of my life and every thought. Fight.
4 lovers| make me feel loved

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

Subject:summer a bummer?
Time:11:14 pm.
Mood: calm.
So summer is almost over. It's been rough for me sometimes, but good others. I like that I've got a strong hold on my "disease," but it still has the ability to get me so down. Sometimes I get so jealous of other people, sometimes not. But, I'm now excited for the future because I'm confident it won't end up bad anymore. I feel like I'm a different person. Maybe that's good or maybe it's bad, but I've come to accept the things I cannot change. I'll just die trying in my quest to getting what I want in this life. Not giving up.
I love my job and the people there. I love Mike and everything about him. I like that he loves everything about me too.
I'm almost fully happy. give me three more months...get back to you then.

Seeing paramore thursday. should be radoid.

If I'm gonna get up, I'll just admit it..I'll only get up with you.
make me feel loved

Sunday, July 6th, 2008

Time:1:11 pm.
Soo0o I was just reading old entries. mmmm Sweetness. Ohhh loves it.
Whatta lovely weekend spending it with a lovely boy. Was poo weather though :(
Oh but hes so amazing.
So I'm in trouble right now. Err didnt do the dishes from my mess and they came home..mom yelling. whoops..they came home too early! Dont wanna go up there!
Too much spending money tho. My bad! I met mikes bro and gf yesterday at the mall randomly. they were cute. so im eating his leftovers now. cya!
make me feel loved

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

Subject:tegsss
Time:9:56 pm.
Mood: amused.
I flew home back to where we met
I stayed inside, I was so upset
I cooked up a plan
So good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, well you were all mine
Love me, I was yours, right?

Signnnn tegs&sara are a-mazing.

I understand how people get consumed by their careers. It's like on the weekends, what? no work? Seems friggin weird. I got more free samples today! Wearing the lip gloss and perfume now. Lusious di. HAHA I got a message from my Dad at 8 saying "wheres hoonsoot???" I come home and he runs to me. Eeeeesh. But I like my hour switch. Larry was right, I am a night person. Mmmmm. Got McDonalds cause m&d had it and I was like gooood idea. She couldnt hear me and Im like Im turning into my motha! (whom no one ever hears).
Got my deliassssssssss. online shopping is fun!!!
dancing time, i missed it, MUAH!
ps. Uncle joeys wedding was good! cept my pics=poo.licious. ew lol
make me feel loved

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

Subject:where does the good go?
Time:5:38 pm.
Mood: groggy.
Hey. Been a fast month. It was like hey, im leaving...
I've been so busy, but my apartment is graduately turning into "my" place.
With my new found money I feel less constricted, but more responsibilities...like insurance. That bites.
But I like being busy, I like being with Mike. The work people are nice, but home is where my heart yearns to be. He's my home.
Uncle Joey's wedding Saturday. Wow, I never thought I'd see this day. Unbelieveable really. New family member. Wow. She makes good apple pie. And she's a sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet heart. Good enough for me :)
I'm feeling slightly emo? Tired does that.
Got some good Tegan&Sara on now. mmmmmmmmmm.
Need to clean busters pee still. And print pics for my frame thingys. Was going to paint, but I hear thunder and I need to do it outside. On a hot day would be preferred.
Hope I can update this thing more often. It makes me sad that I don't.
peace&love
make me feel loved

Sunday, June 1st, 2008

Subject:hey lj
Time:10:05 pm.
Mood: tired.
Sooo love the new job! I get to wear jeans and sneakers..SWAEETTTTT.
Been so busy..mostly spending money! mmmmmm loves it!
Mandy and Larry moved out and I'm getting the apt. I just am sorta blah about it though. This is my room right here. I love this room! Okok I'll give it a chance..meh :/
So ya, just wanted to update, night weekend. Hello work week :)
make me feel loved

Monday, May 26th, 2008

Subject:nooooooo
Time:5:51 pm.
Mood: crushed.
So I've been dreading this moment. Ugh breakdown. New job? When I was choking on water AGAIN before I almost wished I would just choke to death. So yes I'm a pessimist. fuckfuckfuck. I was at the dinner table just so dead. They all knew something was wrong, but they know it's pointless to ask because I never tell. My dad came in my room, but he didnt say anything. He knows.
I want this all to be a memory. Like oh haha why was I even scared shitless about it? Until then..
The images of me shaking out chemicals everywhere just keeps going through my head like a broken record. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. No one can understand me. And I'm doing it again. Taking out my frustrations on the ones I need the most. I can't even deal with myself.

Oh my God I'm a handful
And your hands got so full of me so completely.

EDIT: So the Kellys just came over and they gave me a grad present. $ and a book called "The Rules of Work." So I'm skimming through it and found this inspiring chapter called "Develop a Game Plan." It says:
"So who are you going to be? Successful? A failure? Someone who gives up? Someone who picks themselves up, dusts themselves off, and starts all over again? A brillant careful strategist? A loser? None of these?"
I'd like to be someone who picks themselves up, but I don't want to have to keep starting all over again. Hmmm. Which will I be?
make me feel loved

Tuesday, May 20th, 2008

Subject:ouuu
Time:1:08 pm.
Mood:loserish.
whoa just had a dance attack.
So yes...DONE with my academic career at Stony Brook University. All I want to say about it is YES FINALLY. Ok I want to say more. It was def very tough at times, but I learned a lot. Esp about myself. Ya so I know the point of college is to learn book stuff, but its a combo package. No regrets. I give my exp a B/B-. Too much studying and not enough partying. I shoulda done that, eh? Well I got 67 more yrs so somewhere b/w now and then Imma get smashed several times.
PS Why do I ALWAYS have to cross my legs when I sit down at the comp. Gives me back probs and I still must do it. NO MORE.
Anyway, in a week I'll be at my first day of work. Gonna be fab? Need good shoes though. Yest I was freaking out about the health insurance plans bc they suck for my meds. It's like fuck. All my money will go to everything else but me. Guess that's life, eh?
Haha after talk about my love for fake blood last night...oh I just had to get it out. Put it all down my face, but it didnt look real..looks like an artistic piece or something. Pathetic! One day I wanna put it ALL OVER me and take a shower just to watch all the red water go down the drain. Man I love that. Like when you dye your hair..I LOVE to see all the color wash down. FAV. Freak? duh. Haha one time I put all this black&blue eye makeup around one eye just for fun. Looked so freaky. FREAK.
Okkk so on a diff note..hopefully fun stuff today? yes.
I miss mike.
make me feel loved

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

Subject:I looked around and this was the town that I found.
Time:1:27 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
So May 17th last year we were all excited and getting ready for m&l's wedding. Already done with finals and hanging out with Sindhu, Ant, Danny, Perillo, Killer, and Dechead playing peas in a pod in her basement. Larry's grad was in a week. Got a flat tire going home haha.
A WHOLEEEEEEEEEEE lot has happened between then and now. Wow thinking about it all is nuts. I felt like my spirit was ripped right out of me and it hid somewhere dark until the sun came out again. It felt like all my dreams were shattered and it was happening right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. The hardest thing to do is look at your face so close in the mirror and talk to yourself. I would be talking to myself, looking straight into my eyes without looking away. It was so difficult, I would always burst out crying. But, even through the tears, I wouldn't look away until I assured my eyes that I was going to do this. Going to get past this. Like I was making a promise to my eyes, which hold my soul.
But I survived and I'm pushing harder then ever now. I'm determined not to fail..if I don't succeed, I'm never giving up until I do. This last year has made me into a woman, so come on big bad world..try to eat me alive..I'll rip all your teeth out. I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything works out in the end..like a puzzle. When you puzzle my life together..everything that has happened in the past 21 years will make this amazing puzzle of a girl growing into a woman. All the mistakes, heartaches, hardships all have their own puzzle pieces and without them, I just wouldn't be me. So cheers new job...I'm so afraid of failing. I know it's going to be hard for me, but as I said, I'm not giving up. Just because I'm afraid doesnt mean I can go hide wherever my spirit was hiding. I can do this, I am doing this. Come on world...you already tried to break me once at which you did a great job, but you're not doing it again.
Ok so that's not all that's changed either. No more ant after 3 years. Big shocker for all. I found someone new though. Someone great. And I'm really happy. Me&ant will always be good friends and as time passes we will be even better friends. I'm excited for the future..I was so scared of it for the longest time, but whatever happens, happens. I'm confident in it.

It's ok to fall down.
It's ok to crumble.
make me feel loved

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

Subject:im not really scared
Time:10:17 am.
Mood: content.
Whoa been busy.
I'm feeling better now..a lot better. It's funny how your mood can change with just a single hopeful thought.
But bah, important finals tomorrow..I'm a slacker.
Concert Monday was sweet. I <3 Tegan&Sara. They are so cute, bffs?
So the opening band was PURE AMAZING. ummmmmm I love them now. Little Aussie band, An Horse. They sound a bit like tegsandsara. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Heres my weekend/beg week in a nut shell.
-got job
-mike met sin. haha
-saw made of honor
-was a wreck
-babs for mother's day. walked down to the store and got ices :)
-napped, studied
-Last class, pizza party!
-Concert!
-Woke up late, went to school to study
-Hmmm go home? Nope. Starbucks 2 try and study more. + Khc
-Today = studying at lib or school. maybe both?

<3
make me feel loved

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Time:12:39 pm.
Ugh Estee Lauder just called. I didn't get it.
I'm slipping..
I'm not ready. I don't want this. I want to give up on it.
But I can't, I'm not allowed.
All I have is my body and It's no good.
I just stared at the cup with my hand in front of it shaking like crazy.
Really, I just want to be like everyone else. I'm SO jealous of them.
Why do I have to KILL myself strengthening my body just so I can friggen breathe. I should be able to take it for granted.
I want to be like you.
I'm just so tired of disappointments.
2 lovers| make me feel loved

Saturday, May 3rd, 2008

Subject:intense
Time:12:50 pm.
Mood: happy.
Mmmm twas a fun night. I originally just wanted to stay in bc my new med was making me feel poo unlicious. BUT I decided I needed to force myself out. Met kil at the mall at 5..ate haag daaz haha. Then went to stony to find an event! We found a comedy event so we said ya ok..$1! So I had lunch with Ant earlier that day and he said he didnt really have plans that night so I asked if he wanted to come. He brought Gio, and Perillo..Danny came later. Whoa the show was funnnnny! Of course he picked on me first calling me a Julia Stiles look a like..then asked if I liked hip hop. I said ya (lie), and hes like whos ur fav? Dead air haha. I was gonna say flavor flav but err no. So he was like oh its ok..DJ play some hip hop for Diana! DJ was so slow so he just moved on from me. phew! I sit all the way in the back and am still abused lol. Twas ok tho. All of them were hilarious, esp the puerto rican.
It was really great hanging out with them again. Ever since me&ant moved to splitsville I havent hung with them at all. Been 4 months! Awww I def missed them all and it's def gonna be happening more. Esp when I get my apt. Hang out on weeknights!
I missed Danny a lot..haha hes a cute trip.5. Of course I miss hanging out with Ant, he's half a trip...lol. Perillo? Hes a trip that went off course but it was sweet..he looked at me all seriously and said "it was really great seeing you." Twas nice.
I just hope Mike won't be hurt or upset by it in inside. I'm sure it bothers him even if a little. But it's like why does everything have to change bc we broke up? I just know me and ant. There's nothing anymore. Sometimes I do look at him and laugh thinking I was with him forever and now he's three seats away. We will always have a special place in each other's heart for sure. Not like a love, but like I just want to make sure he's ok..like I want to give him advice and help him. Lord knows he needs it haha. Sometimes I think he's just as broken as I am. I can't lose such a great friend. Ok so if Mike hung with his ex I'd be pissed, but ugh guys are just different. Women aren't as "oh I cant see you bc it hurts!" screw that, we're friends. It's not like theres this hidden denial..it is what it is. We are friends and it is odd bc we were more once. That's all that's different. The hidden weirdness that comes and goes.
As for Mike, he's totally the most amazing boy (ok man, but I like "boy" better). Well he's just got to trust me and what I know. He makes the shitty-est days a bit better just by thinking of him. It is scary, but lovely. I love his voice, doofy laugh, smile. I esp love the way he looks at me like he sees something that I don't see in me. I'm still waiting for him to say oh forget it, you're too much trouble. Been awhile though, who knows. It's also hard for me cause he lives in Guam. I missed him a lot this week. It's like I live a double life. A totally diff week and weekend life. Week is hardcore emotionless weight training and weekend is relaxing emotionfullness.

ok WHERES SINDHU!?

Suddenly I see this is what I wanna be.
Suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me.
make me feel loved

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Subject:byebye april
Time:11:22 am.
Mood: sore.
Had interview today..seems like a DULL job, but she was nice. She gave me a science test..did pretty shitty lol. Idk..not too excited about it..we'll see.
Now I have a whole day to get stuff done..might make it a zen day. A walk seems in order.
Wtf I havent written in a week and I have nothing to say..I'm tired and blah lol.
Looked up scorpio stuff and I never found a description more like me:
The first thing that you will notice about a Scorpion is the spellbinding gaze of his/her eyes. It will look as if they are piercing deep into your soul and getting access to your deepest feelings. Indecisiveness is not a scorpion trait. Their answers are either yes or no. They are passionate in love and can hate with equal aggressiveness. Flattery is not their cup of tea. Others opinion hardly matter to them as they know what they are.

I like that.
make me feel loved

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

Subject:yay
Time:10:40 am.
Mood: good.
Ew I feel icky today. I was a chocolate whore yesterday so I exercised at 11:30-midnight last night. First, treadmill for ass then bike for legs? Idk, but I loved it. I was getting tired of healthy food, I just went crazy with chemicaled chocolate...sdfgdgfghrthhg! That's what I did to that coco. Think I wanna keep exercising, mmmm.
So I've been studying&slacking. Mostly slacking. Hey 30 days till graduation! Thanks! Err I got nothing good to say...I'm just a dirty diana..little mess. I'm listening to Suddenly Seymour..ahaha her voice is so..big for a little lady? whoa. Me&nik used to make fun of this haha. Ya the past few days I've been listening to music under the TV & Movies folder. good stuff. Hmm maybe I'll come back after I shower. Right now..I can't wait another minute I've got the urge to Herbal..It's oh so natural oh baby babyyy ya.
Ok all clean! Was refreshing. Haha so I read that Burts Bees Diaper Ointment is good for your skin cause it has Vitamins A&E and well I love it! Hey anything thats good enough for a babys bottom is good enough for my face. Now I just go around smelling like a lotioned babys ass, which isnt bad lol. Think I could swear by it! yay.
gonna eat a salmon sand with a whole bag of vegs! excited! then studying...boo
make me feel loved

Sunday, April 20th, 2008

Subject:eventful saturday
Time:12:02 pm.
Mood: awake.
Lovely day yesterday. Woke up early..8:14am. But it was refreshing. Ummm got bagels and headed to the bronx zoo. Well it was HUGE..oh man Idk what the hell I did, but I'm old. Mike was like oh I feel bad, but its old news to me..its like oh ya this? me, its ok...really. But my favorite thing prob was the bears..mmm I felt like they were hubby and wifey. Play wrestling and kissing..totally my kinda marriage haha. I liked the gorillaz but they were too overrated..too many people were obsessed so that took away my interest a little. I did like the zebra ass deer body animal..must get made fun of by his friends tho. Hmm the butterflies were cute. Err animals just dont excite me as much as they used to. Aquariums are way better..I think water animals are way more interesting. I like the seals b/c they look like bustie's face!
Came back home around 5:30ish. BBQed..oh man I forgot to eat the leftovers for lunch! oh kelsey. Well twas good. chic&saus&mac&peas. Got ice cream at friendlys..I miss my hunka chunka pb fudge and reeses, good treat! Watched Enchanted for the third time, <3. It makes you believe fairy tales really do come true, thatd be sweet. And then we just hung out..he's a very lovely beautiful boy really. Whats he see in me? You know, besides that I'm a trip and a half. :). otherwise, friggin PYSCHO. yes.
Haha tried to dance last night, but it was painful! So I just searched the web for new looks -----> Think I'm gonna try to change my look around a little. Eh we'll see what I can come up with. Experimenting time..well hopefully I can this week, although I have a genetics test next Tues, which is STUPID. School is STUPID..in one month I will be done..thank you and have a good day.
make me feel loved

Friday, April 18th, 2008

Subject:mm feels good to be happy
Time:11:23 am.
Hmmm.
I love my hair when I wake up..it's like a huge tidal wave. But it's eh because it makes me look about 32.
So neck's FINALLY getting better. My necking and backing intenseness is working..*knocks on wood.* Still cracks a bit, but less.
Yesterday was fun. I was sitting in the lounge waiting for class to start and nikki comes! I decided I'd just cut class..haha already cut tues mmmhmm. We picked up kil face and headed to steve&barrys. I returned my poo shoes and poo sunglasses. We all got $5.43 footlongs and came back to my house for a bit. Lovely! Went to sb for the movie screenings..nikki's was the best! I was errr :/, I was nervous for her!
When I got home I was full from the cookies, chips and popcorn, but I saw strawbs and couldnt resist! Then I saw half a loaf of italian bread and ate it ALL. PREGGERS! oh marrone..terrible news all around.
today imma exercise lots..head to sb for studying..clean my whoreish room. idk maybe stay home tonight. we'll see...
<3
make me feel loved

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Time:11:25 pm.
Mood: drained.
blah im sick of these past entries being something bad and something good. least the goods in.
Well these past 2 days have been body productive. Got a bit depressed when my neck and breathing went back to shit so i decided to take matters into my own hands. He fixed it mon, but since my neck and back muscles got shortened somehow, whats to stop it from getting twisted again? dont wanna be a chiro whore forever! haha been doing all these neck and back exercises like crazy. its ridiculous! I sooo WANT to wake up sore so I know it's working. Been feeling strong, but I'm being very careful with my neck so it doesnt twist b4 i get neck&back strong. Mmmm I love being not helpless. But, if this doesnt work...err cant even think like that. It'll take months, but I can do it. yup.
It's like an explosion of obstacles came all at once. Def a test, but everything always turns out good in the end..altho this is taking FOREVER. I do admit tho, all this at once has taken a toll on my moods. I'm not so much in the mood to dance really anymore b/c I'm afraid it will hurt me. and well just blah. just in an ugly rut that I got to dig myself out, but sometimes I just can't find the energy to dig when more dirt just keeps pouring in. ehhh. I find that I just like to lay in bed a lot nowadays. it's just too much, but I CANNOT give up. ughhh another shit entry. I hate when all people do is complain or whine..suck it up di. you can do it.
found this old lj icon..seems fitting..defeating, but eh
make me feel loved

LiveJournal for Diana.

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