Diana (smiley86) wrote,
Diana
smiley86

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nooooooo

So I've been dreading this moment. Ugh breakdown. New job? When I was choking on water AGAIN before I almost wished I would just choke to death. So yes I'm a pessimist. fuckfuckfuck. I was at the dinner table just so dead. They all knew something was wrong, but they know it's pointless to ask because I never tell. My dad came in my room, but he didnt say anything. He knows.
I want this all to be a memory. Like oh haha why was I even scared shitless about it? Until then..
The images of me shaking out chemicals everywhere just keeps going through my head like a broken record. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. No one can understand me. And I'm doing it again. Taking out my frustrations on the ones I need the most. I can't even deal with myself.

Oh my God I'm a handful
And your hands got so full of me so completely.

EDIT: So the Kellys just came over and they gave me a grad present. $ and a book called "The Rules of Work." So I'm skimming through it and found this inspiring chapter called "Develop a Game Plan." It says:
"So who are you going to be? Successful? A failure? Someone who gives up? Someone who picks themselves up, dusts themselves off, and starts all over again? A brillant careful strategist? A loser? None of these?"
I'd like to be someone who picks themselves up, but I don't want to have to keep starting all over again. Hmmm. Which will I be?
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