im a handful

Alright so tuesday was my bday. naturally was horrible and I cried a lot.
But, I'm doing more around here. I'm trying to build my muscles. Pretty ok.
I think I'm done getting worse, but the climb back up is hard. NEVER as hard as it was. It's weird bc last year I was walking (barely) but I was worse off than b/c it was it's dying. Wont die nice tho..why would it?
This is my life this moment.Where's it taking me? Hopefully alive.
For halloween..supergirl, duh. I'm def one.


figured i might start writing again. ?
today was a blah day. More than usu. Didnt shower and now I feel semi greasy. Was mentally in an ugly place. I really lost myself. Still.
I watched "under our skin" and it was very..ok. I know everything, but I dont know how other people cope. They do the same as me. Struggle to survive everyday. A girl said she coped by thinking of what she can do rather than what she cant. Ive always been thankful for the things I didnt lose, but its hard.
I really just want a life. I want to smile. I want to walk/dance/skip/run. I dont want to hide anymore.
list goes on, but blah heard it all before.

I miss feeling worth something.

Im mad that uncle frankie died. Not bc of normal reasons youd think. Im mad b/c I cant bear to go to his memoral thing. Ill be in such pain, but mental worse. I cant see any1. Didnt he know that he couldnt die for my sanity? Crazy, selfish, wrong of me. yes I know. damn.
I will miss him. RIP

never say never

its been 8 months since i last wrote.
its been a horrid experience. I've been pretty much bedridden the entire time. Lots of tears and ignorant people. I've def had to choice.
Umm I think the worst part is behind me. Still cant walk or use my right hand, but I'm getting there. I stopped herxing (lyme dieoff) so that means lots have died. I'm not sure why I havent given up..i guess thats stupid.
I think I gave mike lyme disease tho. He seems to be starting to have weird stuff like me. I mean I always wanted someone who was as sick as me so I wouldnt be so alone...but that'll never happen. I guess we'll just have to deal with it. We'll see..

you can breathe now.

Well, it's been 5 months since I wrote. During that time I got really worse and had to quit estee. I almost gave up hope, but did not. I went to chiros for my neck cracking and the latest one told me to get tested for lyme disease. I did and found out it was positive on every test on dec 20th. Of course I cried forever. Not MS, but something curable? I knew it, why didn't anyone listen? It's been the worse 2 years ever. So antiboics for me although they stink. Must cure myself with crazy supplements, duh. It's the hardest lesson learning that no one can really help you, but you. Parents can just watch as their daughter is falling apart. Siblings and friends pretend you're normal. I never knew I was this strong. I wouldn't just accept MS and look what it's got me. Better.

Tired of it controlling every part of my life and every thought. Fight.

summer a bummer?

So summer is almost over. It's been rough for me sometimes, but good others. I like that I've got a strong hold on my "disease," but it still has the ability to get me so down. Sometimes I get so jealous of other people, sometimes not. But, I'm now excited for the future because I'm confident it won't end up bad anymore. I feel like I'm a different person. Maybe that's good or maybe it's bad, but I've come to accept the things I cannot change. I'll just die trying in my quest to getting what I want in this life. Not giving up.
I love my job and the people there. I love Mike and everything about him. I like that he loves everything about me too.
I'm almost fully happy. give me three more months...get back to you then.

Seeing paramore thursday. should be radoid.

If I'm gonna get up, I'll just admit it..I'll only get up with you.
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Soo0o I was just reading old entries. mmmm Sweetness. Ohhh loves it.
Whatta lovely weekend spending it with a lovely boy. Was poo weather though :(
Oh but hes so amazing.
So I'm in trouble right now. Err didnt do the dishes from my mess and they came yelling. whoops..they came home too early! Dont wanna go up there!
Too much spending money tho. My bad! I met mikes bro and gf yesterday at the mall randomly. they were cute. so im eating his leftovers now. cya!


I flew home back to where we met
I stayed inside, I was so upset
I cooked up a plan
So good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, well you were all mine
Love me, I was yours, right?

Signnnn tegs&sara are a-mazing.

I understand how people get consumed by their careers. It's like on the weekends, what? no work? Seems friggin weird. I got more free samples today! Wearing the lip gloss and perfume now. Lusious di. HAHA I got a message from my Dad at 8 saying "wheres hoonsoot???" I come home and he runs to me. Eeeeesh. But I like my hour switch. Larry was right, I am a night person. Mmmmm. Got McDonalds cause m&d had it and I was like gooood idea. She couldnt hear me and Im like Im turning into my motha! (whom no one ever hears).
Got my deliassssssssss. online shopping is fun!!!
dancing time, i missed it, MUAH!
ps. Uncle joeys wedding was good! cept my pics=poo.licious. ew lol
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where does the good go?

Hey. Been a fast month. It was like hey, im leaving...
I've been so busy, but my apartment is graduately turning into "my" place.
With my new found money I feel less constricted, but more insurance. That bites.
But I like being busy, I like being with Mike. The work people are nice, but home is where my heart yearns to be. He's my home.
Uncle Joey's wedding Saturday. Wow, I never thought I'd see this day. Unbelieveable really. New family member. Wow. She makes good apple pie. And she's a sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet heart. Good enough for me :)
I'm feeling slightly emo? Tired does that.
Got some good Tegan&Sara on now. mmmmmmmmmm.
Need to clean busters pee still. And print pics for my frame thingys. Was going to paint, but I hear thunder and I need to do it outside. On a hot day would be preferred.
Hope I can update this thing more often. It makes me sad that I don't.
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hey lj

Sooo love the new job! I get to wear jeans and sneakers..SWAEETTTTT.
Been so busy..mostly spending money! mmmmmm loves it!
Mandy and Larry moved out and I'm getting the apt. I just am sorta blah about it though. This is my room right here. I love this room! Okok I'll give it a chance..meh :/
So ya, just wanted to update, night weekend. Hello work week :)
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    tired tired


So I've been dreading this moment. Ugh breakdown. New job? When I was choking on water AGAIN before I almost wished I would just choke to death. So yes I'm a pessimist. fuckfuckfuck. I was at the dinner table just so dead. They all knew something was wrong, but they know it's pointless to ask because I never tell. My dad came in my room, but he didnt say anything. He knows.
I want this all to be a memory. Like oh haha why was I even scared shitless about it? Until then..
The images of me shaking out chemicals everywhere just keeps going through my head like a broken record. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. No one can understand me. And I'm doing it again. Taking out my frustrations on the ones I need the most. I can't even deal with myself.

Oh my God I'm a handful
And your hands got so full of me so completely.

EDIT: So the Kellys just came over and they gave me a grad present. $ and a book called "The Rules of Work." So I'm skimming through it and found this inspiring chapter called "Develop a Game Plan." It says:
"So who are you going to be? Successful? A failure? Someone who gives up? Someone who picks themselves up, dusts themselves off, and starts all over again? A brillant careful strategist? A loser? None of these?"
I'd like to be someone who picks themselves up, but I don't want to have to keep starting all over again. Hmmm. Which will I be?
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